The pain and suffering mentioned in the previous post has not gone away. If anything, the sharpness has been reduced from the moment. But anxiety and the perpetual “what if” thoughts have been rattling away inside of my head.
One of the trouble with the “what if” thoughts and all of my machinations (that I am powerless to pull off and wouldn’t do much good on my part anyways) is that I am kept in a state of thinking that I am being productive due to my busy mind and yet am dripping acid onto my soul creating more and more emotional pain.
Yes, there is some planning that is prudent and needed. Yes, thinking through the situation is necessary. But I have been crossing the lines from these healthy thought processes and life-planning into a self-destructive way of thinking.
In the midst of this suffering, I came across the March 21 entry by Sarah Young in Jesus Calling which leads off with these verses:
“Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid;
for the LORD GOD is my strength and my song,
and he has become my salvation.”
With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation.
And you will say in that day:
“Give thanks to the LORD, call upon his name,
make known his deeds among the peoples,
proclaim that his name is exalted. (Isaiah 12:2-4 ESV)
For you make him most blessed forever;
you make him glad with the joy of your presence.
(Psalm 21:6 ESV)
To be honest, I find that praising God in the midst of my pain to be therapeutic to my soul – even though part of me does not like the idea of doing something so counterintuitive. I certainly don’t like it when people encourage me to do so (which may be part of my sinful nature), especially if my aching soul is desiring empathy before a dose of theology.
Having received some empathy from others and having wrestled with the Lord some more, including some tears and lamenting, I was in a more receptive state for the following devotional words:
Trust me and don’t be afraid, for I am your Strength and Song. Think what it means to have Me as your Strength. I spoke the universe into existence; My power is absolutely unlimited! Human weakness consecrated to Me, is like a magnet, drawing My power into your neediness. However, fear can block the flow of My Strength into you. Instead of trying to fight your fears, consecrate on trusting Me. When you relate to Me in confident trust, there is no limit to how much I can strengthen you.
Remember that I am also your Song. I want you to share My Joy, living in conscious awareness of My Presence. Rejoice as we journey together toward heaven; join Me in singing My song.
Now, fear is an emotion that we can’t just turn off like a light switch. But I would like to continue to come to Him to allow His strength to continue to flow and remove the blockages in my heart – no matter the outcome of the earthly outcome of this suffering.
By focusing on Him – rather than trying to stuff my fears or trying to not think about my fears – some of that blockage is slowing dissolving in the face of the His grace.