The Bible Olympics

Since the Olympics are currently going on in London, it makes sense for Jon Acuff (Stuff Christians Like writer) to create a “Bible Olympics” article (though this one was a guest writer):

Bible Olympics

This summer, the eyes of the world will be on my home country, as it’s the London 2012 Olympics.

There’s a huge pressure on Team GB (Great Britain) to bring in a record medal haul. Personally, though, I think it might be amazing to field a team from the Bible. (Please insert your own “Gods Bods” joke right here.)

What would that look like? Here are 15 different events I think the Bible team would dominate:

Trainer
Paul: Who better to motivate athletes than someone who exhorts people to “run the race”? He also spent three months in Greece during the years of the original Olympic Games (Acts 20: 2-3), so he might have picked up some insider info.

Javelin
Saul: He threw his spear so hard at David that it got lodged in the wall. He’ll want to be careful not to fall on it, though, and have a repeat of 1 Samuel 31:4.

Hammer
Jesus: He was a carpenter after all. And don’t forget that turning over the tables in the temple courts shows that he has good arm strength.

Basketball
Nephilim: Regular sized humans looked like grasshoppers to them, so they’d be a slam dunk choice for shooting hoops.

Heptathlon
God: Genesis 1 shows he can easily handle six challenging events. He’d even be able to sit out the 7th event as he’d have done everything he needed to in the first six.

Wrestling
Jacob: If he can wrestle an angel and not be pinned, he can wrestle anyone.

Field Hockey
Satan: Although he’s not a team player, he is the expert on H-E-Double Hockey Sticks.

Weightlifting
Samson: Just keep him away from Vidal Sassoon before the event.

Fencing
Peter: He cut off someone’s ear with a sword, so he would be a pretty formidable opponent.

Swimming
Jesus: He could pick any swimming event, seeing as he could just run across the water.
Solomon: Perfect for the breaststroke. Have you read Song of Solomon?!

Any event
Judas: OK, he may not win the gold medal, but we all know he’d do anything for silver.

Soccer
Disciples: After Judas killed himself, they became a tight-knit team of 11 people.
Paul: He can be a substitute, as he knows all about pressing on toward the goal.
Shammah: He can be another substitute, as 2 Samuel 23:12 says “Shammah took his stand in the middle of the field. He defended it…..and the Lord brought about a great victory.” He’s clearly an asset to any soccer team.

Shot Put
Pharisees: We all know how much they like to throw stones.

Triathlon
God, Jesus & the Holy Spirit: Seeing as they’re the Trinity, each of them could take one event each, which would therefore be less exhausting. It wouldn’t be against the rules, as they’re still one and the same being.

Equestrian
4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Seriously, would you want to compete against them?

 

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